Mind Dump

It’s crazy that when I began this blog I was a freshman in high school and now I will be graduating college this year. So much has changed, yet nothing has changed. People that were once so important in my life aren’t all still here, and people I used to not know I now can’t imagine my life without. If someone were to tell me 6 years ago all of the crazy things that would happen, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would have never believed I’d be able to get through everything and that  I’d end up where I’m at today.

Life is not perfect, but can life ever be perfect? There are things I wish I could change, of course. Not everything ended up as I had planned and I may have not gotten everything I’ve wanted. I have changed so much as a person that whoever I was six years ago is a stranger to me now. Of course some things haven’t changed. I still love writing, although I never would have expected myself to become as english major. I’m still the same person deep down. I’m still that quiet girl who doesn’t say much, but has a vivid imagination and crazy life ambitions which have changed throughout the years, and probably will continue to change throughout my entire life. Even though life isn’t perfect and there is so much from my past I wish I could change or have back, I am at a point where I am genuinely happy in my life. I have my bad days of course, I have days where I am so anxious and frustrated that I do not want to get out of bed, but I’ve learned by now that these moments pass and that happy days are worth pushing through all the bad stuff for. All in all, I feel much happier and more optimistic than I used to be.

I wanted to write this because I enjoy writing about what’s on my mind and how I’m feeling from time to time. I think it’s important to track my emotions throughout time, and I always find it interesting to go back to old articles and compare where I once was to where I’m at now. I hope to continue to grow and become even more positive. I am very hopeful for the future I have ahead of me.

Thanks for reading!

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A Years Time

It’s amazing how much can change in a year. From last August, to this current August, my life has changed drastically in ways I wasn’t expecting. Often, we know when to expect change. I always knew ever since I was a little girl that the year 2015 would be a big year for me and I would graduate from high school and leave home for college. I knew this change was coming. I was ready for it.

Still, some changes aren’t quite as expected. This year has brought a lot of change I wasn’t expecting. This day last year, my stepfather passed away suddenly, and I think this is what has caused me to analyze change so much. This one, hurtful moment changed my life in many ways. It affected me emotionally, and heavily impacted my family dynamic. It brought a lot of heartache and created many obstacles for my family that we are still working through. This was a change I did not have planned. This was a change that was not welcomed.

There have been great things that have happened this year too. I started dating my best friend, I got an internship, I got a position on the executive committee for my sorority, I made new friends, although while also losing some, and I declared myself as a double major. So much can change in a day- a minute even- let alone a year. It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come from last summer to this summer, and yet how much I’ve stepped back. Some aspects of my life that weren’t blooming quite as much last summer, such as my professional life or my love life, are doing very well now. Other aspects that may have been great, seem to be at a low point right now.

Still, I am not worried. I know that soon, even more crazy unexpected events will occur, good and bad. The good might not be good forever, but neither will the bad. Even more change is expected to come by next summer as I will hopefully be graduating college and officially moving out of the home I’ve been living in for the past ten years. I’ll have to say goodbye to a lot of great people, but I believe when the time comes I will be ready. For now, I am going to live in the moment and do my best to accept change as it comes and believe the universe has a plan for me. Still, it’s nice to look back and reflect on what my life once was way back when.

20 Things I’ve Learned by 20

Each year we grow older, we grow wiser as well. There is so much to learn about ourselves and the world. Every day of life we learn more and more. Over time, we learn valuable life lessons that better who we are. Over my 20 years of life I have learned many valuable lessons, here are 20 of them.

  1. Take more pictures. You’ll enjoy looking back on the memories.
  2. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. Your feelings aren’t something you can control and you have every right to feel the way you do.
  3. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t value your feelings. Instead, find people who care about you and who are genuinely interested in your company.
  4. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Life is a journey and you will figure things out along the way.
  5. You will change, and you will grow. Don’t fight it. It’s for the best.
  6. You can’t depend on others. People will let you down. The only person you can depend on is yourself.
  7. Be yourself whether others like you or not. Those opinions of others really don’t matter as much as you might think they do.
  8. Everyone has a bad day, but that doesn’t make it a bad life.
  9. If you truly want something, you have to work for it. Not everything comes easy in life. Putting effort into something you want will lead to reward.
  10. There are tons of mistakes to be made, and even more lessons to learn. Don’t dwell on mistakes or things you could have done better. Just know for next time.
  11. Nobody knows anyone completely. Even if you think you know someone inside and out, you don’t. You have no idea what this person has happening in their head and all the backstory of this person’s life.
  12. Always be honest. If something is bothering you, don’t deny it. Speak up. People fear the truth far too much. Honesty is an admirable quality.
  13. Expecting others to make you happy will more often than not lead to disappointment. Happiness is a choice only you can make.
  14. Figure yourself out before you try to figure out others. Growing up teaches us a lot about ourselves. Learn about who you are and what you are interested before you try to learn everything about someone else.
  15. Surrounding yourself with good people will make yourself a better person. It’s important to have friends that give off positive vibes. Make friends who aren’t afraid to be themselves and are free of judgement. Don’t make friends who care too much about what others think and who make you feel bad about yourself.
  16. Take care of your body. Eat healthy foods and go for a run. You will feel healthier and happier.
  17. If he doesn’t like you for who you are, he doesn’t deserve you.
  18. Odds are, whatever is bothering you now won’t be important in a week, so let it go.
  19. Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. Life is short, and you never know when someone may leave.
  20. Stay true to yourself. Don’t let others dictate your life. Be yourself and honor your values.

Each year brings new and exciting adventures that teach us a lot about ourselves. Over my 20 years of life, I’ve learned so much from my experiences. Still, there is so much in this world I haven’t yet seen and that I can’t wait to learn.

Easter 2017

This Easter was a very hard day for my family. If you keep up with my blog or my life in any way, you know I lost someone very special to me back in August. My step father passed away suddenly, and this year his 43rd birthday fell on Easter.

I’m not going to say I had an awful day full of tears. Yes, of course there were tears, of course it was an extremely unfair day and it made me think about how unfair and cruel this world is. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about this, and wish he were still here. But still, today was Easter and one of the few days of the year I am home with my family and friends, so I had to embrace  it.

I didn’t do much on Easter, although I really wish I could say I did. I don’t have any cute OOTD pictures or anything. I was dressed comfortably in a tank top and shorts with my glasses on and a pair of old flip flops.

I dyed eggs with my mom which was a lot of fun. I haven’t dyed eggs since I was a little girl so that was nice. I had my best friend come visit and we got to catch up for the first time in 5 months since we go to different schools. I spent some time with my dogs and brought them to the local dog park. All around, the day wasn’t anything exciting, but it was still a pretty good day.

Yes, it was an extremely sad day, but I am forever grateful I got to spend a few days back at home with some of my favorite people. I’m always happy to be back with my mom and pets and all of my childhood friends. The day was very relaxed and much needed.

I hope you all had a great Easter this year!

The Universe Strikes Again

This past month I haven’t been blogging very much and starting now, I am back! As all of you who read my blog know, I’ve been having a really hard year, but I’ve been having a really hard month especially.

About a month ago, my grandmother passed away and this was really difficult for me and my family. She passed almost exactly on the six month mark of my step-father’s death, and I honestly was not ready to go through something like this again. It was so unbelievably hard to have to walk into this church again and watch another funeral for someone I need in my life so desperately. This happened at a really bad time, but I guess, there isn’t really such a thing as a good time.

My grandmother was very close in my life. She helped raise me and she helped me grow into who I am. She lived with me until I was about seven or eight, and even after she moved out I would spend every weekend at her place playing cards and watching movies up until I was around ten or eleven. Then I got to middle school and instead of making me walk home, she was always the first car parked outside waiting to pick me up. She always arrived half an hour early and sat there waiting so I didn’t have to look all around the parking lot trying to find her. And then I got to high school and every afternoon I’d get home from school and she’d be sitting at the kitchen table for no apparent reason other than to make sure I got home from school okay. And it’s so funny because I thought at the time that this was absolutely ridiculous. I was like “I’m in high school, I’m grown, I don’t need to be watched like a child.” But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how lucky I am to have a grandmother who loved and cared about me so much.

It’s hard knowing I can call her phone all I want, but she will never pick up. All that remains are a few voicemails that I still listen to here and there. My grandmother was a strong woman, and she really fought through her sickness. Unfortunately, everyone’s life ends eventually and hers had to end here. I’m devastated and I don’t think I will ever stop missing her. The only comfort is that I know wherever she is now, she is okay. I’m assuming she’s somewhere in heaven watching a Real Housewives marathon with my grandfather and step-dad complaining in the background that they’d rather watch football or something. A part of her will always remain with me, and I’ll never be able to ignore the impact she’s had on my life. I’m forever lucky to have had a grandmother like her.

I’ll love and miss you forever.

Brain dump

First semester of sophomore year COMPLETE! I have to be honest- this semester was hard, which is why I think it’s time for me to do a little brain dump.

This semester was hard for many reasons. First off, losing my step-father this summer has really a toll on my mental health. It has definitely made me think about the purpose of life a little more. All of this philosophical thinking has definitely stirred up a lot of anxiety and unnecessary stress. I’d rather not think so much about the unknown, but I just can’t help it. Why do these things happen? What is the purpose?

For some reason, I’ve recently had this feeling of not belonging or not fitting in. Last year, life was great. I had a lot of friends, I was doing great in school, everything was fine. This year it feels like I lost a lot of my friends in general because over time, people change and you realize they are not who you thought they were. And that’s okay, I’d rather not be surrounded I can’t be 100% myself with, or friends I have to worry about talking about me behind my back. It’s hard to find real, genuine friends who are honest and who care about you. I don’t have many, but those I do have I appreciate. But sometimes at college I can’t help but feel a little bit lonely.

I haven’t been very social in general anyways because I’ve been so focused on my grades. I’m really hoping to graduate a year early and to get a job and an apartment with my mom and to just start my life. Things have been very stressful this semester, but I’m hoping in time everything works out. I hope my family moves past this incident, and that I find more genuine friends, and that I find success in my future so I can take care of my mom. But who knows what the future holds? Only time will tell.

Christmas 2016

Hey everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

I wanted to write a quick post about what I did this Christmas, but unfortunately I don’t have much to say or any pictures to show. Christmas was different this year. Celebrating the holidays after a huge loss honestly just feels sad and empty. Like there’s just a huge chunk of what makes the holiday special missing. It was just so evident that my stepdad was missing and that the holidays won’t ever be the same, and it definitely took away much of the cheerfulness of Christmas.

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My family didn’t do much. We stayed home and spent the holidays with each other. We weren’t much in the Christmas spirit, but it was nice to all be together because who knows how much longer we will be? Life is short, spend as much time with the one’s you love as you can. This is especially important to me since I’m rarely ever home. It was nice to be able to spend a few days with my mom, catching up and telling her everything going on in my life.

I didn’t get much for Christmas. My mom bought me two pairs of jeans, a plaid shirt, and a sweater. I found the shirt online which is definitely my favorite thing I got. It’s from Express.

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I love the color scheme and the lace-up detailing. It makes it a perfect shirt for daytime and nighttime. I absolutely love it.

The day after Christmas was spent with my boyfriend where we exchanged gifts. He bought me a bunch of cute little things like makeup brushes and a makeup bag (I guess he knows about my makeup obsession?) And the cutest gift he gave me was a scrapbook he made with gift cards to restaurants for us to try, because over the summer our goal was to try a new restaurant every week which kind of failed, but now I have gift cards so there’s really no excuse!! He made me this adorable and thoughtful give, and you know what I got him in exchange? Hockey tickets he already has lol WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!

That’s it for my Christmas, I hope you all enjoyed the holidays and your time off!

Crush

This year I attended my first ever Crush. A Crush is basically a date night except you get to bring TWO dates.

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I brought my boyfriend, and his best friend, and it was a great time spent with all of my sisters!!

My dress is from Bebe and I LOVE it! I was so happy with this find I discovered the week of Black Friday for 50% off! It’s the perfect dress for Christmas time with its bright red color. The lace-up in the front the adds just the right amount of sexiness for the venue, and it looks perfect paired with strappy nude heels.

 

 

OOTD

Happy Saturday! (sorry I’m late for this blog post!!)

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OOTD’s are fun. They’re something I wish I could post more often, but none of my friends ever wanna take my pictures and I’m not too good with a tripod. Still, there are so many pretty places on campus I’d love to shoot. Maybe in time my tripod skills will improve and I won’t be so intimidated by passerby’s watching me have my own photoshoot, and I’ll stop taking pictures in front of this blue wall! (sorry for that lone sandal in the background, I’m a mess)

Anyways, this top I’m wearing is from Kohls and the skirt is from Rue 21. These boots are from DSW! The bracelet is from Helberg Diamonds.

I’m currently home for Thanksgiving which is nice! It’s good to be home, especially with all that’s been going on in my life. It’s great to be back with my mom. School has been very stressful. I have a lot on my plate this semester. I was recently elected House Manager for my sorority which is awesome! However, it’s also a huge commitment and a lot of responsibility, so hopefully I do a good job.

I’ve been working super hard hoping I could graduate a year early. I’ve been applying for tons of internships for the summer and have a few interviews scheduled, so wish me luck!

Currently on break, I am working at American Eagle (still) and this year I worked my first Black Friday! I have to say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. It was just such a long day and it sucks my entire day was spent folding clothes and all I’m going to get paid is like $70. I honestly can’t wait to get a job making real money in my field of choice! Hopefully school and all this hard work pays off!

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving?? Did you eat lots of food? I definitely did, and lots of pumpkin pie (aka my fave).

I hope you all had a great holiday and scored some awesome Black Friday deals! Thanks for reading! xoxo

A Bad Date

STORY TIME!

Today I decided to tell you guys a quick story about a really awful date I went on a few years ago. So, two summers ago when I was around 16- 17 I met a boy who lives by the beach one day while I was on the boardwalk with my friends. We texted throughout the summer and I saw him a few times more while going to the beach with my friends, but I had never gone to the shore alone and therefore never really had the chance to be alone with him. One week, my family decided to rent a shore house. I was so excited to be able to go to the beach and finally go on a date with this guy. From the jump, I never expected things to be serious with this guy since he lives close to the beach which is about a two hour drive away from me, but I thought he’d be a nice summer fling.

We make plans to go to the boardwalk and I’m ready to go. I’m sitting there waiting for him to pick me up and minutes pass by. Finally, he texts me saying he’s out front and I look, and he’s not there. It turns out he was lost. After around 45 minutes, he finally found me and we headed to the boardwalk.

We walk the boardwalk and talk a little and all is going well. He asks me if I want to go on his favorite roller coaster. I really am not a fan of roller coasters, but I agreed. It wasn’t my favorite thing in the world, but it could’ve been worse.

So the date continues and he asks if I want to go on the ferris wheel. I say sure and he buys the tickets. We hop in line which was obnoxiously long and wait our turn. As soon as we near the front, the ride shuts down. Great. We leave and walk the boardwalk again and just talk for awhile when we notice the ride is back up. We walk back over to the ferris wheel and it closes AGAIN! So we leave.. again. And then once again we notice the ferris wheel is running again. We decide to go and try again since he already bought the tickets anyways. We go and wait in another long line, and finally ride the ferris wheel.

After all of that frustration, we finally got a short ride on the ferris wheel and decide to head out. It’s around 11 and I’m only 16 so my stepdad really wants me home. Then my date asks “do you remember where I parked?” My heart started pounding and I could feel sweat. Of course I didn’t remember where he parked, I didn’t know I was supposed to. And it’s not like he parked in a single parking lot for the beach and could just sound off his car alarm. There are several parking lots down every street and he could literally be parked anywhere. So there’s really nothing we could do so we start looking.

We walk all around the town which I must say is not a safe area. We encounter many drunks and many sketch people. Minutes turn to hours and my stepdad keeps calling. I tell him we can’t find his car, but he doesn’t believe me and starts to freak out on me saying he’s going to come find me and pick me up. But that’s pretty embarrassing and I didn’t wanna leave this boy in this sketch town alone even if I was super annoyed and my feet were blistering. If I knew we’d be walking around for two hours trying to find his car I wouldn’t have worn flip flops.

The boy would ask people for help trying to see if there is a taxi service or something to help us find his car. Everyone he asked was drunk with elaborate responses that were very incoherent. We encountered some police officers and he asked for help, but they weren’t much help either and basically just laughed at us. He finally found a phone number to call to get a ride. He calls and the guy said he can’t just drive us around to help us find a car. So we’re stuck walking.

We walked so much I’m pretty sure we went through every parking lot twice. Finally we find his lost car all alone in some parking lot that I’m almost positive we passed earlier in the night. I get home a little after 1 am and my stepdad is pissed and doesn’t believe my story. All I really wanted to do was lie in bed because my feet and legs were so sore.

Although this date was awful, the boy offered to come visit me all the way in my little old town. I thought that was really nice since it’s such a long drive. He drove down and bought us movie tickets. We had some time to kill before the movie so we got some Chipotle. We go back to the movies and find out the power is out and won’t be back until tomorrow.

The relationship died after this. I wonder why.

That’s my story of some really unfortunate dates with one guy. I guess these were just signs it wasn’t meant to be! Hope you enjoyed this story time and I hope even more you never lose your car!